Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.