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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge