Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.