Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Stop sending me this shit.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I love art.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.