“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side