Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
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Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Monica just destroyed the internet
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
It’s the weekend y’all
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
How do you milk an almond?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only