What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
You Might Also Like
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
All excellent questions
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.