SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?