Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one