Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.