Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
no such thing as a dumb question
See..?
.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Tremendous stuff
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT