Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
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[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.