Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
You Might Also Like
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Happens to everyone.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.