My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
You Might Also Like
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Am I having a stroke?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.