[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.