My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
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*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
#inspiration #foodforthought
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.