Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I know this now 😂
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.