[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
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*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.