Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]