Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Bike for sale
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie