Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
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me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Bartender: Hey! What鈥檚 new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend鈥檚 pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What鈥檚 wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU鈥橰E RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don鈥檛 even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
yes, i鈥檓 outside playing, mom!!
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there鈥檚 an actual shark up there
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas