Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.