[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Love is always patient and kind.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters