Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.