About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.