“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
#NeverForget
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.