I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers