Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
You Might Also Like
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.