A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?