can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.