I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.