Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination