(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Herpes is trending, good job people
😂😂
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again