“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.