“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I saw this ending much differently.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book