Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.