I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I love you…
…r dog.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.