I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
i did the math
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…