My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
You Might Also Like
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Seek kebab; not attention
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I need better friends
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad