I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*