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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen