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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.