It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.