It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.