FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.