kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Nice try, NASA
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I enjoy a good short stor
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER