Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
How your email finds me
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”