Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…