This why you should mind your business
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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
God, I love Scotland
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that