Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.